27 acts of kindness

This was originally going to be a different post, but 2020 has been...a damn mess, to put it lightly. Just an unrelenting tidal wave of grief and sadness and frustration. I felt super burned out this year, not from work but just from the incredible amount of emotional stress.

And so I wanted this year’s birthday post to be a very gentle one, similar to last year’s list of “pet faves,” but more simply, things I like to do to feel better, because we could all use that right now. So here are 27 kind things you can do for yourself and others; or alternatively, notes from almost nine months of therapy in a pandemic.

1. take a walk

Walks are highly underrated! They’re something I don’t think I truly appreciated until the pandemic; I always think, “Oh, I can do without going outside today.” But I have never regretted a walk—there’s something very invigorating about simultaneously getting your blood pumping and doing something relaxing.

2. People-watching

This is one of my favorite activities, not only because I find people interesting, but I find it takes me out of my headspace and allows me to kind of get lost wherever I am, in a good way. It lets me focus on other people’s lives instead of mind, which is always helpful, whether I’m stuck on something at work or just a little stressed.

3. volunteer

This one is just *chef’s kiss* like chicken soup for the soul (remember those books?). My aunt, who lost her husband very young to cancer, told me that one thing that helps grief is helping others. And this year, with all of my relative privilege, I’ve received a lot of gratification out of it, whether it’s donating to struggling businesses or attending protests or text-banking for the Democratic party this election cycle.

4. Go to therapy

I cannot recommend therapy enough. I just started this year, and I can’t believe it’s taken 27 years for me to go. It’s expensive and definitely a privilege, but in my opinion, if you can afford it, it’s one of the best things you can do for your own health. My therapist described it as “the emotional work of connecting the dots in your life to understand your motivations and patterns of behavior,” which I liked, because that’s kind of what I do for a living (I firmly believe all strategists should be in therapy, because if you don’t understand yourself, how can you empathize with others?). There’s also a lot of research showing that therapy is especially beneficial for POC, and that mental disorders are often common in POC. And even if you don’t have access to therapy, there are so many resources from therapists out there, from Instagram accounts like @notesfromyourtherapist or specialized TikTok accounts that can be helpful—while it’s not a replacement for therapy, it can be useful to have a professional perspective on your problems.

5. Be gentle

I’m still working on this one—I am notoriously hard on myself, and I tend to be critical of others in the same way, to the point that “being gentle” is something I have to consciously focus on. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to be more patient and empathetic with other people, but my therapist once asked me, “Would you talk to others the way you talk to yourself?” and that was pretty horrifying, so since then I’ve tried to show myself the same grace.

6. Cuddle with a pet

10/10, highly recommend, even if you’re having a great day. There is no downside. If you don’t have a pet, get a pet.

7. work on a passion project

It’s nice to work on something that doesn’t have monetization as the end goal. I think passion projects should be just that—fun. For me it’s PowerPoint essays, which I like because they help me declutter my brain and organize my thoughts around something I’m interested in, and they give me something on which to focus all of my energy when I’m feeling restless.

8. Affirmations

Affirmations are very new to me, also recommended by my therapist, but I’ve liked them. I am the opposite of a woo-woo person, but I think just the act of doing the work has helped me. They’re basically like little psychological shortcuts that help restructure your thinking for positivity, AKA “manifesting,” which also sounds very woo-woo, but I think psychologically it can be kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.. And that can be a very powerful thing (there are lots of resources online to help you get started). I use them less as affirmations of self-worth and more as little mantras to help me get through the days, reminders that I’m doing the best I can with what I have and to be kinder to myself.

9. Drink tea

Apparently, this is science—holding something warm in your hand can be calming, like a trauma blanket.

10. Write a list of things you’re excited for

It’s so, so hard to plan ahead, especially right now. But even just focusing on small things in the future can help reframe your perspective when you feel stuck. Currently on my list: Christmas baking, terrible Hallmark Christmas rom-coms, moving back to New York, museums opening back up, having friends over post-pandemic, my fellowship with Bitch Media next year, a new job(!).

11. Stay in bed all day

This one used to make me uncomfortable, because I would feel like I wasn’t being “productive,” but sometimes you just need to loaf around all day and wallow when you’re feeling sad. I think sometimes, forcing yourself to do things is overrated. Sometimes you need to do nothing and be lazy.

12. Get dressed up (even if you don’t go out)

On the flip side, I usually just want to stay in my pajamas all day, but sometimes putting on eyeliner or getting dressed up in a cute outfit really does make you feel better.

13. Journal or write

For me, this is extremely soothing. Writing out my thoughts always makes me feel more clear-headed, and it can be cathartic at a time when everything feels loud and confusing all the time.

14. Do something meditative

I’ve discovered that I am not a meditating person. I’ve tried a million different methods of meditation and I just cannot do it; my thoughts are always all over the place. But I’ve realized that I love meditative, tactile things that I can do while I’m watching TV or listening to music—baking, lettering, building furniture, puzzles, Legos. I like hands-on things that I don’t have to think about too much, and that give me a finished product at the end. I find that it gives me a mental break and a great sense of satisfaction when I’ve finished.

15. Acknowledge that “two things can be true”

This is another thing straight from my therapist, but she suggested the concept of acknowledging two conflicting truths (in advertising and psychology, it’s called cognitive dissonance). I think this is one of the hardest things to learn, because we’re so programmed to lean toward simplicity and things that make sense, but a lot of the time, things don’t make sense, and two things can be true at the same time. I’ve found this particularly true in a pandemic—life can be terrible and you can be lucky and grateful.

16. Stretching

I don’t really exercise, especially in quarantine, but I love stretching. It feels like a wake-up boost to your body; it gets your blood going and perks up your system. So I try to do it as often as possible, even just while I’m watching TV or something. It always makes me feel a little bit better.

17. Hold space

One of the best things I’ve learned from therapy is holding space, which essentially means allowing yourself to be present and indulge your emotions rather than ignoring or marginalizing them. Holding emotional space is such a great thing to do for others to show you care, but it’s something you should afford yourself as well—to just sit with your emotions and give yourself permission to really feel them.

18. Comfort food

This doesn’t necessarily mean food that’s good for you, but a meal that truly feel comforting is invaluable. This is not only a good one for you, but also a way to show other people love. Feeding others, especially in Asian cultures, is a sign of love, and feeding yourself is an act of self-care. A good friend of mine lost her dad this year to an extremely improbable medical condition, and while it was hard to be there in person, we sent food. And I’ve appreciated all of the people who were here for me this year and encouraged me to feed myself, even when I wasn’t hungry or didn’t feel like eating.

19. Take it day by day

One thing I learned from Sheryl Sandberg, who dealt with the sudden death of her husband, is to evaluate how you’re feeling today. She found it helpful when people asked how she was doing that day vs. just “how are you doing?” because it acknowledged that grief was both relative and nonlinear; you’re going to have good days and bad days. It also doesn’t rush grief, and helps you heal at your own pace.

20. Watch the water

This one, for people who are lucky enough to live near water, is extremely meditative. I’ve found that whether it’s San Diego or Santa Barbara or New York, I’ve always loved living near water, because when I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed, watching the water flow in and out is incredibly calming.

21. Rewatch a show you love

I always rewatch shows when I’m in a bad mood, rather than watching new shows; I find the predictability comforting. I’ll opt for something easy to watch, like Parks and Recreation or The Good Place or even Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives; or I like really high-stress shows like Chopped or American Ninja Warrior (yes, they’re full of drama but it’s not my drama, and that’s calming).

22. Complete a tiny task

Small organizational tasks like cleaning your bathroom can put you in a much better mental state and give you a sense of accomplishment—it’s scientifically proven that setting yourself up for success in small ways is how you keep things like new routines and New Year’s resolutions.

23. Listen to music

Listening to music can put you in such a good mood, or it can be a way to lose yourself in darker emotions in a safe way—either way, it can transform your mindset. Or, make a playlist for someone you love; a modern version of a mixtape. I like listening to music, but I don’t like discovering new music, so I’m very appreciative of when people make playlists for me.

24. Take a shower

Long, hot showers are some of the greatest indulgences—I love them not only because I like feeling clean, but I also use them as kind of a mental refresh. I would use them as a study break during finals in college, and I still do sometimes if I’m stuck on a project at work. “Shower thoughts” are a real thing; doing mindless activities helps free up your unconscious mind and helps stimulate your thoughts:

“Daydreaming relaxes the prefrontal cortex—the brain’s command center for decisions, goals, and behavior ... It also switches on the rest of your brain’s “default mode network” (DMN), clearing the pathways that connect different regions. With your cortex loosened up and your DMN switched on, you can make new, creative connections that your conscious mind would have dismissed.”

25. Small gifts

This is either a great little “treat yoself” moment, or it can make someone else happy, which is equally great. I love giving gifts; I can’t explain the boost of serotonin I get from watching people open a gift I’m excited to give them, and I actually realized I don’t like Christmas gifts as much because they’re very inorganic, but I do like giving small little trinkets to people whenever I think of them. Earlier this year, Gwendolyn got me a little paint-by-numbers kit when I was feeling particularly sad, and it made me feel so much better.

26. Buy a plant

I am admittedly a terrible plant parent, but there’s something very tender having something to care for every day (besides a cat), that brightens up your space and flourishes in sunlight.

27. Check in with people that you love

Maybe the most important one. It’s been a hard-ass year. And even if we can’t be there for each other in person, even if our capacity for “checking in” with people or having people check in with you is full, to hear from someone that loves you, even in a small way, can mean a lot when you’e going through a difficult time. My love language is sending people links to articles or TikToks; it’s a nice way to say, “I’m thinking about you” without expending too much mental energy or necessitating a full conversation.

I have to say that writing this feels very sad. I remember laughing with people who had April or June birthdays, commiserating with them for having to spend a birthday in quarantine. I don’t think anyone expected that we would still be here in December.

The holidays this year won’t feel the same, and we still don’t know how long this pandemic will last, so it’s important that we make an effort to take care of ourselves. We will inevitably feel sad for a while longer, and I think it’s really difficult to process that, and any happiness we have during this time will be colored by a larger sense of tragedy. And there doesn’t have to be a silver lining; I think it is possible to admit that this pandemic has revealed a colossal failure of both social obligation and public policy without trying to search for the good in it. But it also doesn’t mean that goodness and joy are unimportant. So all I’m really hoping for next year to be better. Luckily, it’s not too much to ask.